After five months in a federal prison in West Virginia and six months wearing an electric ankle bracelet at a housing facility in Bedford, NY, Martha Stewart was released back into the wild this Sunday.

The domestic diva often complained and acted out during her confinement, first gnawing at the ankle bracelet and then requesting a judge allow her to take it off.

However, the request was denied after her handlers said they needed the bracelet in order to shock her when she got unruly, which was often.

Stewart was released from a transport cage into the woods of northern Connecticut. Witnesses say that at first she looked confused and then elated as she scurried off into the distance, collecting boysenberries to be used in a delectable pie.

This via ABC News from an interview that Ms. Stewart did with Vanity Fair:

"Asked about the electronic monitoring device she must wear on her ankle she has complained repeatedly that it irritates her skin Stewart says she knows how to remove it.

"I watched them put it on. You can figure out how to get it off," she is quoted as saying. "It's on the Internet. I looked it up."

Testing this particular claim, I came up with a few different search results. Here they are:

Google results for the search query "how to take off electronic monitoring device" (extremely wordy, full of "stop words", not a good query. Let's try again.)

Yahoo results:This time, I whittled it down to "remove electronic monitoring device." Still got diddly.

Ask Jeeves results: Meh. Results for "electronic monitoring device house arrest remove" came back with more diddly.

BREEZEWOOD, Penna. - Domestic diva Martha Stewart was arrested for soliciting at a truck stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania, early this morning just hours after she had been released from Alderson Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV. The 63-year-old Stewart, who had been serving a five-month sentence for lying to federal agents regarding her insider trading activities, was released two weeks early because prison officials wanted to avoid the media crunch that had accompanied Stewart's arrival Alderson last October.

Stewart was wearing a black leather jacket, skin-tight jeans, and a throwback Ann-Margret wig at the time of her arrest. She was apprehended after a female truck driver complained to Hazel Stark, night manager of the Pump, Dump, and Jump truck stop, that a woman in the ladies' shower room had offered to "clean her carpet" in exchange for a "ride east." Stark immediately dispatched an undercover security guard to the shower, and when Stewart approached her with the same offer, Stewart was arrested.

ALDERSON, WV (AP) Martha Stewart, serving 5 months in Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia for lying to federal agents, says that she will not return to Connecticut upon her release this March. Speaking now with a noticeable twang in her voice, Martha Steward said, “I’ve made lots of good friends here at Alderson –- many of them from West Virginia. I’ve become very fond of the people down here… and I’ve decided to stay!”

When asked about her Martha Stewart Living empire, she said, “Oh, I have people that can run that for me. I’m going to get myself a nice trailer to share with my friend Lou-Ann in Mobley, West Virginia. It’s a real small town. There’s not much going on in Mobley, but its very peaceful and quiet. It will be a nice change from my life in Connecticut. Lou-Ann and I are talking about putting in a small garden and digging a root cellar. I know how to garden and I’m sure I’ll be able to decorate a trailer somehow. Any way, all that decorating stuff really doesn’t mean much to me any more. I sort of got out of the habit while living in this here jail cell.”

New York, NY-- Martha Stewart is seeking to market her new line of electronic bracelets at Tiffany's and her new line of bureaus at Target, sources close to Ms. Stewart said today. Ms Stewart is also said to be in deliberations with several major book publishers about her newest book proposal, tentatively entitled "A Shared Venture: Decorating Your Prison Cell with Your Cellmate."

The electronic bracelets will be modeled on the real thing but will be considerably lighter and studded with semi-precious jewels. They will retail for $139.99 and will be wrapped in a medley of stock tips. "Think Elsa Peretti's kind of shimmery delicacy but on the ankle, not the neck," explained one jewelry expert. "I think that's the look Martha is striving for--airy, light, and free."

A California man claimed top honors Monday at the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrating bad writing, likening the end of a love affair to "Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail."

Dave Zobel, 42, a Manhattan Beach software development director and author of "Dave Zobel's Bent Book of Boatspeak: How to Sound Like a Sailor and Know Just Enough to Be Dangerous," bested thousands of metaphor-mangling, simile-slaying writers from Hong Kong to Bolivia with this submission:

"She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight ... summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail ... though the term 'love affair' now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism ... not unlike 'sand vein,' which is after all an intestine, not a vein ... and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand ... and that brought her back to Ramon."

I believe we are fast approaching the Rose alert level...

Martha Stewart's lawyers have offered a deal in order to spare the domestic diva jail time when her sentencing hearing takes place. Stewart, her attorneys wrote -- in a twenty-two page motion presented to the presiding judge earlier this week -- will redecorate and renovate both Abu Ghraib prison in Baghdad and Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Over a two year period of time, Stewart promises to "spare President Bush and our brave fighting men and women in Iraq" the time and trouble of tearing Abu Ghraib down, "by turning it into an environment fit for the classiest and most discerning of terrorists."

IF you thought life couldn't get any harder for Martha Stewart, think again. The doyenne of all things good and crafty is the subject of an episodic play -- although as an entertaining morsel, the flavor is likely to lean more toward comedy than tragedy.

Jordan Winer, head of Berkeley High School's Drama Department, is attracting attention to his newly formed company, Acme Players Ensemble, or APE, by serving Stewart on a theatrical platter.

Scripted and directed by Winer, "Martha Stewart in Hell" is an ongoing play that has its first and second installments Sunday at the APE Space in Berkeley's Eighth Street Studio complex.

The next episode rolls out the second Sunday of each month (excluding July) through the end of the year.

We need a new mantra, folks...apparently "If it's hand knit, you must acquit" just didn't work for us...how about: